Taylor Swift plays a huge role on how my teenage self perceives love. Her songs from the early albums had some #relationshipgoals kind of scenario. Aside from the butterflies, she managed to capture both the sour and bitter of being adolescents. It relates to constantly feeling insignificant, isolated, and invisible. The popular narrative is definitely having to adore people who didn’t adore us back. I mean, which teenagers didn’t have to go through that? Must be the lucky ones.
She has released more albums since. Still with the similar scenarios but lyrically way more mature. She even write songs that don’t sound autobiographical. She has evolved, which means so are we — the listeners. There are life experiences we have gone through. The ‘screaming and slamming doors’ kind of love may evolve into ‘call it what you want’ kind of love. The ‘yes i like you but i’m shy’ crushes, turns into ‘yes, i like you. now what?’ relationships. The mind games of ‘I want you but I don’t want you’ are so outdated. The age of shutting off a partner is over. It has evolved into the ‘Okay, let’s talk’ kind of situations. Fights are still fights, but with better resolutions. Love is still love, but with better communication.
A decade ago, microblogs containing advice about healthy relationships were not yet in the picture. I refer #relationshipgoals to the late 2000s to early 2010s songs. One of them being Taylor Swift’s albums. This girl (a.k.a: me) is definitely guilty for doing most things she said in her early albums.
In the heat of the fight, I walked away
ignoring words that you were saying
trying to make me stay
Check.
So I start a fight
’cause I need to feel something.
That used to be my favourite.
I said leave but baby,
all I want is you
Been there, done that.
Honestly, there’s a lot more wrong-doings I’m pretty sure I did but it’s too blurry to remember. Sometimes even our minds trick ourselves into believing that we are the good ones, yet we’re not fully that decent. Really, those doings are really something I am not proud of.
This is me trying to call myself out, owning up my mistakes, and unlearning red flags. My current self has been familiarising her old lyrics and damn, it feels very peculiar. I remember how it felt, but I can’t relate anymore. They are like the distant friends which I still see in IG stories but I’m too hesitant to react or reply to their stories. From those lyrics, I also notice some of the #relationshipgoals were very much red flags. There’s a TikTok video about someone’s realisation about how toxic was “The Way I Loved You”. Other accounts agreed on the elaborated message and I saw a comment: She makes all the red flags pink. Sadly, that’s something I have to agree with. Some other comments disgrace their past selves for manifesting the wrong kind of relationship. Right or wrong, I bet at that time it felt right — because it was for me too.
I am terribly sorry for the pain I have caused. I am sorry if something bad happens to you as well. Perhaps, you’re stuck in a relationship you couldn’t grow, or have faced cold partners who couldn’t say what they actually want. It is such an unfortunate thing. But, give yourself a favour: forgive yourself.
Ten years is surely a long time. If it were a kid, she’s in elementary school now. She has learned how to walk, talk, and walk the talk — maybe. She can eat solid things now, chew hard truths. She read stories and write herself one. Things happened, just like what Swift said in her newest bonus track:
friends break up, friends get married
strangers get born, strangers get buried
trends change, rumors fly through new skies
To evolve is to change, to develop. Some parts of me may no longer be relevant today. Thus, change is needed. There are findings from the past I set aside. There are boxes of artefacts I finally let go. But there are memories I hang on the wall, frame it pretty, and don’t sell at all. Those are the valuable ones. The ones which I learn a lot from.
So this is me swallowing my pride writing this piece, saying ‘I’m sorry’ for those nights — and days.
